A Trampled Week

This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Problems at work has reached to a new peak and it affected me so much that I can't take my mind off it, even after work.

Makes me ponder about an issue that may not be of any relevance, but stuck in my mind after I heard a radio program. It was a teenagey program and allows people to send in dedications for songs to be played. Anyway, this female listener called in and what appears to be a fanatic teenager getting all chummy with the deejay, quickly took a more emotional and serious turn, when she confessed to wanting to cut herself on more than one occassion when she was repeatedly bullied at school and once, even beaten up. She was close to tears and sounded emotional. Her unexpected outburst took on a bizarre reality tv turn when she appeared to be swallowing back her sobs all the while emphasizing her gratitude to the deejay for giving her the strength not to do what she wanted to do initially. Then it got a little bizarre when she asked the deejay for her phone number and wanted to be her friend... In any case, I start to wonder what it was like being bullied, and what the victim will feel. Will she be resenting the act, yet secretly wonder if she deserved it? Will she feel helpless that nothing can be done to improve the situation, because she has become so stuck into it that she can no longer take an aerial view of it? No wonder bully victims hardly go public, and will only be discovered once it's too late.

Of cos this shouldnt apply to me, cos come on.. i am too old to be bullied. But people get taken advantage of all the time, when their wish for harmony is mistaken as a sign of weakness.

Coming back to work, I did something about the problems I faced, but whether things will get any better is really still up in the air.. and that lifted a small load off my shoulders, but still a lingering worry remains..Being the perpetual worrier that I am, that's hardly surprising.

I wonder if I have really been taking my work too seriously. More often than not, my ego, pride and self-worth gets tied up into this thing called work. I suppose it's inevitable to mistake it for life itself. I spend an inordinate amount of time working on it, contributing to profits of a meaningless entity that does not get judged for its sins on judgement day. How do I relax and tell myself it's just a job? What do you mean by 'just a job'? When losing it can bring about so much changes in my life and spirits...

Then there's another thing. I was called a very ugly term by someone close to me. My first reaction was shock. No one has ever spoken like that to me before. Though it was later clarified that it wasn't pertaining to me directly, I still feel very much violated. Being someone who has made it a personal mission not to utter a single profanity, it's always somewhat disturbing to me when others do so excessively in my presence. I feel ... as if I've to be subjected to the most horrible things in the world. When I was young, my school principle told me that no matter how one behaves outside, a single profanity will express all the terribleness inside. And I feel as if a torrent of that terribleness have flooded me and surrounded me. And I feel so wretched.

Makes me ponder about how life and control. Sometimes bad things come to you all of a sudden, and being unprepared it always catch you bad, really bad. At the same time, think of how terrible it will be to live life always preparing for something bad to happen to you. You may be prepared but there's still no escaping from the consequences, isn't it?

Let's hope next week will be better.